Wednesday, November 8, 2017

Ready or Not...

The Richmond Marathon is Saturday. Am I ready? Yes… and no. I’ve done the long runs, the tempos, the track workouts. Some went well, some didn’t, that’s pretty par for the course; no buildup is perfect. I went in with lower mileage goals and lower expectations to match. But despite doing pretty much everything I set out to do, I still don’t feel as ready as I’d like.

I think it's because coming back from Baby was so unpredictable. Some things were easier than expected, so in some ways I feel like I haven't done enough to deserve to run well. Other things were a lot harder than expected, totally blindsiding me, and they’ve left lasting scars on my confidence.

It's been a long road back, but I've done the work.
My body is ready... now to get my mind there...

Easier than expected:
 Endurance.
In early summer, I wrote out a plan that slowly increased my weekly mileage and my long runs. It looked a little daunting, considering I was coming back from six weeks of zero running and many months of short walk/shuffles. But the long runs came back surprisingly easily; twenty miles is once again no biggie, which seemed impossible just a few months ago.

As hard as expected: Speed.
I suspected speed would come back slower than endurance and that was/is definitely the case. All season, I’ve run basically one pace, whether it’s a half marathon, a ten miler, 12 miles at goal pace alone on the roads, a trail 5K. I can’t speed up in shorter races… but I also haven’t really slowed down in longer workouts. I may not be able to crush a 5K (when can I ever?) but if I can run that same pace for 26.2… then speed schmeed, I’ll be just fine with that.

Harder than expected:
1. Not having control/ownership of my body. One thing I didn't appreciate fully was the role nursing would play in my running. I figured I’d have to time workouts around Baby’s meals (definitely true in the early days, less of an issue now) and that I probably wouldn’t get to my racing weight this season. (I don’t feel comfortable worrying too much about weight loss while I’m nursing and see no need to rush things in that department.) I didn’t anticipate the ab issues I’d have, which my PT says won’t resolve until I stop nursing since the hormones can cause ligaments to stay loose. Because of that, I haven’t been able to attack core or strength workouts with my old gusto. My body is still not my own, and I can’t treat it as such. I didn’t anticipate that. The fact that I slacked off on these “little extras” makes me feel a bit like I didn’t put in enough effort, that I don’t deserve to run well.

2. But the much bigger issue that I did not see coming, AT ALL, is the hit that labor/delivery gave to my running self-esteem. I knew labor would be a doozy, to say the least, despite everyone assuring me, “You’re an athlete; you’ll be fine.” Well, I wasn’t. I always knew I’d get an epidural—I didn’t see the point in suffering when relief is possible and safe—but I didn’t anticipate how bad actually taking it would make me feel afterwards. All the women who do it naturally? How the fudge do they do that? And why couldn’t I? That mattered not a whit to me before labor, but somehow afterwards I felt really defeated that I couldn’t take it. (Though I do believe there’s something to be said for going in knowing I was going to get an epidural eventually. You can’t do anything your mind isn’t set on.) And ultimately I needed a c-section. While I am beyond grateful for modern medicine and a healthy happy Baby (albeit one with an off-the-charts-enormous head), I still feel like my body failed me. My body that I rely on so much to run well, it couldn’t do this thing it’s made to do.

One thing I hear repeatedly (I even wrote about it myself before Baby) is that labor toughens you. All these women say, “Running is easy after labor, nothing compares.” “If my body can do that, it can do anything.” Well, what if my body can’t/didn’t do that? Maybe everyone who says those things made it through naturally (and to them I say, “Heck yea, you are crazy tough and CAN do anything), but that would put them in the minority.

Maybe I’m alone in this (I hope so... I don't wish self doubt on anyone!), but I feel the opposite; my sense of toughness has been seriously questioned ever since labor. One person who labored naturally told me contractions just feel like bad menstrual cramps, but in my opinion they are at least an order of magnitude worse. Which makes me wonder: Maybe I’ve never had a bad cramp. Maybe I’ve never felt real pain. Maybe I’m a giant wuss.... And it spirals from there.

This attitude is absolutely terrible for the marathon. I do not think I’m a particularly talented runner; I certainly did not start off all that fast. I’ve always thought any success came from being tough and determined and now I’m left wondering… am I really?

This is the part where I’m not sure I’m ready. The marathon is a mental beast and your mind has to be ready to tackle it. I grappled with whether I should run at all. But giving up now—not even showing up at the start line—is giving into those demons that have haunted me for almost eight months. That’s not the answer. It’s time to shut them up.

It will not be easy; these last few days I’ve been preparing myself with mantras and battle strategies to have ready when the doubts start. In a recent episode of Lindsey Hein’s podcast, Deena Kastor explains that when the race gets tough you have to dig deep and "define yourself," and that’s what I feel I need to do. Remember what I am capable of and prove it to myself. Find the old Teal, deep within me somewhere. The one who IS tough, maybe not in the delivery room, but on the race course. Somewhere on the streets of Richmond, when the miles are taking their toll, and the pace starts to slip, she damn well better be ready to come out... or we're going to have to get her out, one way or another.

Dream big,
Teal

16 comments :

  1. I feel like I have so many of the same thoughts. I’ve always thought and my coaches have always confirmed that I didn’t have that much talent but I was a hard worker and was tough as hell. I’d fight through pain other people wouldn’t. Your past running has proven you have an amazing amount of talent (very few people run in the Olympic Trials for a reason) but you are also very tough and you believe in yourself. Those qualities definitely amplify your talents. Every birth is different. Babies are different sizes and are positioned differently. I’ve had friends who delivered naturally with one baby and had a c-section with the next. It isn’t your body not performing, it’s just being unlucky. Sounds like her head wasn’t interested in fitting down the birth canal. Don’t let that shake your confidence. You are an amazing runner and will go out there and prove to yourself how you made it to the Olympic Trials the first time and take that next step to making it there again!

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    1. Thanks for this, Liz! It's so true, every birth is different and it is a matter of luck as much as anything. Thanks for the reminder and the confidence boost!

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  2. Oh Teal! I know, it's disappointing. But think of it this way - it's not your body failing you, it's modern medicine succeeding. You know what's also natural? Dying in childbirth! Plus, you're contributing to what we know today (rather little, I think) about rebuilding a body for athletic performance after pregnancy and major surgery. It takes a lot of toughness, both physical and mental, to reboot and rebuild too.

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    1. Thanks, Grace! It's silly, but sometimes I forget about the major surgery part, haha. You're right, it's taken a lot to reboot to this point and I made it this far... here's to making it just 26.2 more. Thanks for the encouragement :)

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  4. I haven't had a baby- I'll just say that up front- but I've been dealing with injury lately and it took a shocking toll on me mentally that I never expected. I also identify as a runner who got to where she's at by pure grit and hard work and it shot my confidence to heck to feel like my body betrayed me. The fact is that we are our own worst critics. Your family and friends and those of us who read your blog look at what your doing and see someone who is amazingly tough because despite the fact that you had surgery and have a new baby you are still chasing your dreams and being a great mom to boot. And sometimes we simply can't control how our bodies recover or in your case, how delivery went. But the truth is that what your doing proves that the "old Teal" is still very much there- she just has to believe it. Good luck in your race!

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    1. Thanks, Em! Sorry to hear about your injury, but you are right: it's all about believing in ourselves! Take care of yourself and know that your hard work ethic will help you crush your comeback :)

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  5. I do not know you personally and I am not sure whether I should comment on this, but still...

    A mother is not defined by how she gave birth. As a man, I probably cannot fully understand this silly (no offence, but really!) pressure that you feel, but I am speaking with the confidence of a son.

    A runner is not defined by how she gave birth. Remember that even men run marathons.

    That said, I think that you should take this marathon a bit easier than previous ones. But there is no reason that you cannot run future marathons as hard and successful as you have before.

    All the best!

    C.

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    1. Oops, seems that I was late. Congratulations!

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    2. Thanks, Carson! And thanks for your first comment. I agree that it's silly that women feel pressure/badly about how delivery goes, but it's something a lot of women deal with. I think this article did a nice job talking about it (not in the context of running): http://time.com/4989068/motherhood-is-hard-to-get-wrong/

      And thanks for the encouragement going forward! :)

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  6. Oh man, Teal...BIG CONGRATULATIONS on your marathon and beating your own worst critic! (She's tough, I know ;)) On Deena and the Hein podcast, I thought it was so interesting that Deena thought writing her book was harder than even any marathon! (You know when Deena says something is hard, it's hard.) Would love to hear your thoughts about that. You know, in your spare time. ;) Again, congratulations on your achievement!!!

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    1. Thanks, Joanne! I haven't yet written a book (though hope to someday...?) but that surprised me too! Writing can be very hard when you're as detail focused as Deena is and it makes me excited to read her book knowing how much effort she put in.

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  7. What a result! Congratulations. I’m 26 weeks pregnant. I ran 2:53 last year and I really want to go 2:45 but also be realistic so thankyou for your honesty!

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    1. Thanks, Gill! Congrats on your pregnancy!! Definitely keep the 2:45 dream going, I'll be rooting for you :)

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  8. There are so many factors in the post baby build and training! And I think you are totally spot on with the "there's something to be said for going into the labor expecting to do a natural birth compared to expecting to get the epidural." If you're mind is already in the mindset of I'm planning to get the epidural when I feel I need it, you aren't prepared to deal with the pain of not getting one. I always knew I wanted one too and when I tried to handle the contractions for a bit before getting it I was going crazy, screaming, crying yelling and afterward I told my nurse I was embarrassed by how big of a baby I was being and she said the exact same thing- you weren't prepared for that pain! Anyway- you are doing amazing and are such a strong mom for so many reasons. Keep up the great work. And thanks for both listening to my show and sharing the episode with Deena with your people- I truly appreciate it. :) Looking forward to seeing how your progress over the next year.

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    1. Thanks, Lindsey! And thanks for that Deena episode, such a great one! :)

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